sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
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