I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
