i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
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