We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
