jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize
