I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
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