I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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