No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
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