There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
