I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
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