The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
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He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
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The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
Randomize