She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
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