Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Randomize
