I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
i wonder if she gts uncomfortable walkin bu when she knows we all know what her pussy tastes like
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
