Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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