Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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