Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Randomize
