Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
