considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
Someone shattered a urinal.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Randomize
