i think he might wanna be bffs again, but idk cause we're friends again but we haven't been bff since like a year. i don't know what to think...
wow. what a nail bitter. i need popcorn for this. brb
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
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we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
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I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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