My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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