Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
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