Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Randomize
