As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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