I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
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