these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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