I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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