Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
