If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
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As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
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My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
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