Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Green mimosas i think yes
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
Randomize
