The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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