He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
Randomize
