I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
