Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
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not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
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If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
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