You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
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I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
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She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
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