Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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