fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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