when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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