I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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