paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
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