Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize
