dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
My life is pants optional.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Randomize
