i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
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