She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Randomize
