Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
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