call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
party gras won. party gras always wins.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Randomize
