I wish I only lived at night.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Randomize
