Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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