my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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