the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
