He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
