dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
