The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Randomize