she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
We are all done wearing pants today
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
