When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
