does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
Randomize
