I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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