dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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