i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
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