Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
Randomize
